Life In A Zoo
by Red Witch
Summary: Ron finds out that life with the Figgis Agency can be pretty wild.


**Babou shredded another disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some mad thoughts from my tiny little mind. Imagine for some reason Ron moved into a mansion with the Figgis Agency gang. Like after the stories Mallory Scorned and Cheryl's Place. He's going to discover…**

**Life In A Zoo **

"Ugh what a night," Ron yawned as he made his way to the kitchen of Cheryl's mansion. "Oh God I hope there's coffee. And I hope somebody made it."

"Morning," Krieger was there wearing only his underpants.

"Good morning…" Ron blinked. "Why are you wearing only your underwear?"

"It's a bit chilly today," Krieger shrugged.

"Of course," Ron blinked.

"Besides I'm washing all my other clothes," Krieger waved. "They were both getting a bit whiffy."

"Both? Never mind," Ron yawned. "Is there any coffee?"

"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger pointed. "I just made it now."

"Don't take it Ron!"

Ron turned around and saw that Pam was there wearing only blue underwear and a blue bra. "Krieger you know damn well that you're banned from making coffee!" Pam snapped as she went to the coffee maker.

"Why?" Ron asked.

"You don't want to know," Pam groaned as she poured it out.

"I didn't use the mushroom coffee this time!" Krieger protested. "It's good!"

HISSSSSSSSSSSSS!

"Holy sink snacks!" Pam gasped. The coffee seemed to dissolve the rubber in the drainer.

"A little strong maybe?" Krieger shrugged. "But still good!"

"Good if you want a hole in your stomach!" Pam snapped.

"And since I already had one of those…" Ron looked at Krieger.

"I'll make the damn coffee!" Pam got a separate coffee carafe. "I'm going to use a different pot just to be safe. It never hurts to be too careful. And Krieger, if you do anything to this coffee, I'm going to hurt **you!**"

"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger gulped nervously.

"Morning swim! YAY!" Cheryl ran by the kitchen completely naked.

"Ooh! I'm in!" Krieger ran out of the room.

"Good idea," Pam said as she made the coffee. "Let me do this and I will join them!"

"Krieger!" Cyril was heard shouting. "For God's sake don't leave your underwear on the floor!"

"There," Pam started the coffee machine. "That should be ready in less than three minutes."

"It looks a lot simpler than that fancy dancy thing Mallory insisted we buy," Ron remarked.

"Oh, it is," Pam waved. She started to unhook her bra and walk out of the kitchen. "Well time to hit the pool!"

Milton rolled in. "Hey Milton," Pam said as she took off her bra as she left the kitchen. "Whoop! Whoop!"

"PAM!" Cyril shouted. "For god's sake don't leave your clothes on the floor like a pig!"

"SQUEEEE!"

Ron did a double take as a white pig with a horn ran by. "Come Lady A!" Krieger was heard. "Swimming time!"

"Was that a _unicorn pig_?" Ron blinked. "That's a **thing?" **

"Ughhh…" Cyril groaned as he walked in wearing grey shorts, a light grey sleeveless T-shirt and grey slippers. "I'd say good morning Ron but we both know there's nothing good about it. What's that burnt smell?"

TOAST!

"Not you Milton," Cyril said. "I'm talking about a different kind of burnt smell. It's like coffee and…rubber?"

"Krieger made some coffee," Ron pointed to the sink.

"Oh, Dear God…" Cyril's eyes widened. "Please don't tell me anyone drank it!"

"No, Pam poured it down the drain and made a new batch," Ron said. "But I have a feeling we're going to need a plumber in the near future."

"I figured that out when I went to use the hallway bathroom," Cyril groaned. "Pam left another upper decker in there so…"

DING!

"Coffee's ready. Good," Cyril sighed. "I like this fast brewing system. You want me to pour you a cup Ron?"

"Please," Ron sighed. "I need a drink."

"I need a life," Cyril sighed as he poured some cups for Ron and himself and sat down with Ron at the table. "Preferably a better one than this one."

"At least it's interesting," Ron shrugged. "I'm guessing there's no real dress code around here is there?"

"Around here it's a miracle if anyone wears **anything **at all," Cyril sighed.

"Morn-inng!" Ray sauntered down wearing a blue kimono and slippers.

"And in **some cases**," Cyril sighed as he drank some coffee. "Huh…This needs something. Oh right."

Cyril got up and went to the cabinet. He pulled out a bottle of scotch and added some to his coffee. "Ahhh!" He tasted it. "Much better."

"Kind of early to be tasting the hooch isn't it?" Ron asked.

"Did you see Pam?" Cyril asked. "And Krieger?"

"Yes," Ron said. "And the unicorn pig."

"Then it's not **early enough**," Cyril took another drink of coffee.

"Ooh Coffee!" Ray poured himself a cup. "What smells like burnt rubber?"

"Krieger made a batch of coffee before Pam threw it out," Ron pointed to the sink.

Ray looked at the sink. "That does not look good. We're gonna need a plumber, aren't we?"

"We may need a fleet of them," Cyril groaned. "Don't go in the left hallway bathroom. Pam left another upper decker in that one."

"The entire US Army combined doesn't have as big a bowel movement as that girl," Ray groaned as he sat down. "Whose turn was it to make breakfast?"

"Krieger's," Cyril realized. "But uh…I'm not going to tell him."

"Neither will I," Ray groaned. "I think it's safer for my stomach."

TOAST!

"Well at least there's fresh toast," Ron said as he took some from Milton and began to butter it. He tasted it. "Good toast. A little burnt but I like it that way."

"A little burnt," Cyril sighed as he took another drink of coffee. "Like all my hopes and dreams…" Cyril took the bottle and poured some more scotch into his coffee.

"So, what is the plan for this lovely day?" Ray asked as he took the scotch and put some in his coffee. "Besides Cyril spreading his special brand of sunshine around?"

"I'm going to call my office in New York," Ron said. "Find out what's going on. Thanks to computers I can find out everything with just a push of a button. Then this afternoon I'm going to take AJ to the park since it's Saturday."

"What about Lana?" Ray asked.

"She's got errands to run and is gonna visit Mallory and Sterling," Ron waved. "I like spending time with the kid. Keeps me young! What are you guys going to do?"

"Well we could go into the office and do some work," Cyril paused. "But there is no work. So that's an exercise in futility."

"We could just stay here," Ray suggested. "Swim in the pool. Watch TV and get wasted."

"Good plan," Cyril said as he drank his coffee.

Ron then saw something. "I think we may have to call in an exterminator too."

Ray looked over and saw Ratly scampering across the counter. "That's just Ratly. Another one of Krieger's experiments. I wouldn't be too worried. We have cats in this mansion."

"Speaking of which…" Cyril pointed as Schnuckiputzi sauntered in. "He still has that thing, doesn't he?"

"A cat with robot legs," Ron blinked as the cat sat down and started licking itself. "Never thought I'd see the day."

"The rat has robot legs too," Ray said. "Krieger has experiments all over the place."

"Said the Number One Experiment," Cyril quipped.

"You know…?" Ray glared at Cyril. "Oh God I am…"

"SQUEEEE!"

The unicorn pig ran by with Pam's blue bra. "Well at least the pig knows how to clean up after herself," Cyril sighed. "Now if we can just get Pam to do so…"

"I just moved into a loony bin, didn't I?" Ron asked.

"You have **no idea**," Ray sighed as he took a swig of coffee.

Later Ron went to another room. "Carol said that there was a computer in this study here."

Ron opened the door to a sight. There were feathers and couch stuffing all over the floor. Papers were everywhere. And Babou was on the couch shredding it.

"RARRRRRR!" It roared when it saw Ron.

"Jesus!" Ron jumped back and slammed the door.

"What's wrong?" Cheryl walked up with Pam. Both were wearing bathrobes now.

"That ocelot of yours is shredding the couch!" Ron pointed.

"Damn it!" Cheryl snapped. "He's supposed to be shredding the upstairs curtains. I hate those ugly things."

"Well can you get it out of there?" Ron asked. "I want to use the computer and I don't feel like being a scratching post today."

"Ugghhh…" Cheryl groaned.

"It's your damn ocelot," Pam said. "You bought it. You take care of it."

"Ugh I should have named the damn thing Buyer's Remorse," Cheryl grumbled. "I don't want to."

"If you didn't want to take care of it, why did you buy the damn thing?" Pam snapped.

"I don't know!" Cheryl snapped. "DON'T YELL AT ME!"

"DON'T YELL AT ME!" Pam shouted back.

"Will you guys stop with all the yelling?" Krieger walked over to them. He was dressed and wearing his usual lab coat.

"You're not my supervisor!" Cheryl snapped.

"Krieger," Pam sighed. "Babou is making a mess in there. Can you get him out?"

"Uh…" Krieger opened the door and looked at Babou shredding the couch. "Nope."

"Don't you have your tranquilizer gun?" Pam asked.

"I do," Krieger looked at Cheryl. "But **somebody** used all my tranquilizers!"

"Is that what you were on last night?" Pam asked.

"Yeah," Cheryl giggled. "That was fun!"

"No wonder you were dancing on top of the piano," Ron remarked. "Look I need to use the computer. So…"

"SQUEEEK!" Something brown and furry ran by them and stopped. It looked at them standing on its hind legs.

"Krieger, is that another one of your weird rats?" Ron groaned.

"It's not one of mine," Krieger blinked. "And that's a meerkat. Not a rat. In fact, they're actually in the mongoose family. Not the rodent family."

"I don't care if it's related to the freaking Queen of England!" Ron snapped. "If it's not yours who ordered it?"

"I did," Cheryl said. "I saw some old episodes of Meerkat Manor and I thought…Why not? I always wanted to say I owned one."

"RRARRRRRRRR!"

"Not for much long," Ron remarked as he saw Babou shoot out of the room and chase the meerkat.

"Eh I was bored of it anyway," Cheryl waved. "Did you know they bite?"

"Yeah I did," Cyril walked up to her with his finger bandaged. "Damn it, Cheryl! Why did you get an African rat?"

"Meerkats aren't rats," Krieger corrected. "They're in the mongoose family."

"Isn't a mongoose a rat?" Cheryl asked.

"Actually, it's a separate species," Krieger said. "Which ironically has some feline tendencies."

"Well the room is open," Pam pointed. "Might as well use it while this feline has a tendency to chase the meerkat."

"Is there another one that doesn't smell like ocelot piss?" Ron wrinkled his nose.

"Oh yeah," Cheryl waved. "There are tons of them."

CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!

"God damn it Babou!" Ray shouted. "You just broke a really nice lamp! Can't have nice things!"

CRASH! SMASH!

"Krieger!" Ray was heard shouting. "Come get your rat before Babou eats it!"

SMASH!

"It's not one of mine," Krieger shouted. "It's Cheryl's. And it's a meerkat."

CRASH! SMASH!

"It's gonna be dinner for Babou if somebody doesn't do something!" Ray shouted back.

"Don't look at me!" Cyril shouted. "I'm on Babou's side! **Let him** eat it!"

"The meerkat bit Cyril," Pam explained.

"It's okay if Babou wants to eat the meerkat, Ray!" Cheryl shouted. "I'm bored of it anyway. Plus, it saves me the trouble of feeding Babou for the day."

CRASH!

"Cheryl you can't let Babou eat another one of your pets," Pam told her.

"_Another one?"_ Ron asked. "How many…?"

"Too many to count," Pam sighed. "Cheryl…"

"You're not my supervisor!" Cheryl snapped. "Cyril you get them."

"You're not **my supervisor**!" Cyril shouted back. "How does **that feel** Cheryl? Huh?"

CRASH! SMASH!

"Was anybody particularly fond of that blue and green vase on the living room table?" Ray asked.

"Not really no," Cheryl said. "It was just something my stupid aunt gave me to put her ashes in. I never did so…Hang on. Where **did** I put her ashes?"

SMASH!

"RARRRR!"

"AWWK! AWWWK! AWWWK!" A red parrot flew by them.

"Hang on," Pam did a double take. "Didn't Babou already eat that bird?"

"No," Cheryl said. "He ate the green one. I thought the red one flew away. But I guess it's still hanging around."

"Cheryl bought some parrots too?" Ron asked.

"No," Cheryl groaned. "**Another aunt** gave them to me when she kicked the bucket. I would have rather she gave me the car she crashed into a tree with."

CRASH! SMASH!

SMASH!

"Oops," Ray said in a not-really sorry way. "Babou just smashed that tacky Ming knockoff. Tacky. Tacky. Tacky. Bad Babou."

"We have Wi-fi on the deck, right?" Ron asked. "I think I'm just gonna take the laptop outside."

"I think that is a smart idea," Cyril admitted.

SMASH! CRASH!

"I might look up some hotel rates while I'm at it," Ron went to get the computer.

"If you find some good ones let me know," Cyril sighed.

About twenty-five minutes later by a beautiful luxurious outdoor pool….

"Those are great numbers Darryl," Ron was sitting by the pool in a chair with a table under a fancy umbrella. He had the laptop and was talking into his phone. There was also a chilled ice tea drink on the table. "So, the new store is doing well? That's really well! So, you really think we can set up a ninth dealership? Where? Rhode Island? Really? I'll look into it."

Ron paused. "How are things **here?** Oh, don't ask…My wife? Really don't ask. Still nuts. Seriously you still have that brother that's a crack divorce attorney, right? Let's just say I may need his services"

"Oh, you would not believe how crazy it is here," Ron remarked. "I tell ya, Darryl I've met some characters in my day but this group beats the band."

Ron paused. "Are you kidding? I told you I was staying with that crazy Tunt broad right? Oh yeah, it's a mansion but there are so many animals running around here it's like I'm living in a zoo! I got a freaking animal sanctuary right outside my window! What with the cats and the rats and the pigs and the ocelot and the parrots and the meerkat…Just now I saw a zebra grazing on the side lawn. I have no idea how or why **they** got a zebra! But they got one!"

Ron paused. "Yeah, one of those African rat-like things. Like on the TV show. But they ain't rats. They're actually related to the mongoose. It's a separate species that has feline tendencies. Yeah. Who knew?"

Ray sauntered to the pool, wearing a blue and white long cover up with a large white floppy hat, blue flip flops, and sunglasses. He was carrying a straw bag with a pink flower in one hand. And in his ungloved bionic hand he had a cocktail drink with an umbrella in it. _"Back to life! Back to reality! However, do you want me? However, do you need me?" _

"Let's just say I may take a trip to New York sooner than I thought," Ron groaned. "Talk to you later. Bye."

"Oh, what a beau-tiful day!" Ray threw off his cover up, revealing a pair of tight blue short swimming trunks with pink stripes on the side. He sat down on a nearby lounge chair. "Just gonna soak up the sun and have a little swim."

"Yeah good for you," Ron sighed. "I have to ask…What's the deal with the zebra?"

"That's **real**?" Ray did a double take. "Thank god! I thought it was a hallucination from whatever pill Krieger slipped me the other night."

"I had no idea when I came here, I was signing on to Carol's Ark," Ron groaned.

"Just be grateful there aren't any killer plants," Ray grumbled.

"Killer **plants?"** Ron did a double take. Ray showed Ron his bionic hand. "Oh right. I remember hearing about that."

CRASH! SMASH!

"What the hell is going on **now?**" Ron did a double take.

"I don't know," Ray shrugged. "And I don't want to know. I am taking a break!" He took a sip from his drink.

"Normally I'd make a crack about you taking a break from doing nothing all day but…" Ron looked over at the house.

CRASH!

"I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASSES BITCHES!" Pam was heard shouting.

CRASH!

"DAMN STUPID OCELOT!" Cyril was shouting.

"AWWWK! AWWWWK!"

SMASH! CRASH! CRASH!

Ron groaned. "I've been in street brawls that were more restful."

"Testify!" Ray said as he took a sip. "Oh, this is **heavenly.** Do you want a drink Ron? I can get you one."

"No, I'm good with my iced tea here," Ron said.

CRASH! SMASH!

"I am sorry but I am not going in **there!**" Ray said. "On second thought I am **not** sorry! Sometimes I think I'm the only sane person in this group!"

"You think you're **sane?"** Ron did a double take at Ray's outfit.

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

"DAMN IT KRIEGER!" Cyril was heard shouting.

FOOOOOOOOM! CRASH!

"HA HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl cackled.

"DAMN IT CHERYL!" Pam shouted.

CRASH!

"Comparatively," Ray sighed before he took another sip.

"OWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cheryl was heard howling.

"DAMN IT CHERYL!" Cyril shouted. "YOU'RE NOT A WEREWOLF!"

"I CAN BE ANYTHING I WANT TO BE DAMN IT!" Cheryl was heard shouting. "I'M AN EMPOWERED WOMAN!"

"YOU'RE A CRAZY BITCH!" Cyril shouted. "THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! NO! NO! STOP! STOP! AAHHHHH!"

Ron looked at Ray. "You may have a point."

"AAAAAAAAHHHH!" Cyril and Krieger ran by.

"OWWWWOOOOOO!" Cheryl ran after them on all fours.

"AWWWK! AWWWK!" The red parrot flew by.

"RARRR!" Babou then chased the meerkat by the pool.

"That's it!" Pam roared as she chased after the guys. "IT'S SMASHING TIME BITCHES!"

"AHH! CHERYL STOP BITING ME!" Cyril was heard shouting.

"OOOH! OOH! OOH! AHHHH!" Pam jumped around like Queen Kong on a mission to get the last bananas.

"Mallory always said these people were animals," Ron blinked. "I never thought she meant it **literally!**"

"You should see these people when they have a party," Ray sighed. "That's when things get **really wild**!"


End file.
